A Natural Recovery Story
By: Doug Western
I first saw a Grey Fantail fly as acrobatically as they do during a bird watching walk along the Yarra River as a teenager. No human invention could fly like that. I was fascinated and inspired.
Trips like this in many places and natural history studies taught me all life on earth plays a role and occupies a niche while surviving.
I concluded we humans are no different except each of us has more choice than any other species when choosing our niche. Our insight and complex society allow this.
Initially I had retreated to the Yarra to escape an unhappy home life and the birds distracted me from my problems. And one day I decided to discover the natural essence of my true self.
But in 1968 I suffered amnesia and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. I was an out-patient. Having him as a personal confidant was great. After seven discussions I was discharged not needing medication.
In 1970 I was elected first President of the Warringal Conservation Society in Heidelberg. But in March 1971 valium couldn’t calm me. I tried to express every inhibition and idea in a single bound. My psychiatrist diagnosed me as hypomanic and suffering Manic Depressive Psychosis. He admitted me to the Austin immediately. That was my first of thirteen hospital admissions for mental illness. Next day I was transferred to Royal Melbourne Hospital by ambulance.
Glandular fever had triggered the illness. My first girlfriend had left me too and I was very emotional.
My diagnosis was changed to Schizophrenia and I was prescribed a heavy dose of medication which I refused. But when my sweet grandmother, Lily asked, ‘How do you feel in yourself?’ I took it. The question frightened me. I could not comprehend what she meant let alone how I felt.
I developed ocular gyric crisis. That involved bouts of swirling ever-deepening depression, repeated suicidal thoughts and the rolling back of my eyeballs.
It was caused by my prescribed drugs and psychosomatic thinking motivated by obsessive paranoid fears of what authority figures thought of me. The pain I suffered meant I could not believe the authority figures who told me I was causing the problem myself. And I feared that ‘blame’ too.
Mrs Cameron, a student doctor interviewed me in RMH. Her transcript quotes me as saying, “I can solve all my problems with logic. But I don’t know where the emotions fit in.” My search for my natural essence still had a long way to go.
Chronically ill, I was admitted to Larundel Psychiatric Hospital in 1972. On my 24th birthday I was so depressed I hid under my bed. I was admitted to the security ward and given Electro Convulsive Therapy.
I lived there for 14 months altogether. But in 2005 I summoned all my courage and analysed the circumstances, thoughts and feelings I experienced as I hid under my bed back then. And I accepted it was natural and okay for someone ill like me to behave in this manner and I responded cathartically releasing pent up tear drops which reduced my anxiety about it.
My past obsessive and paranoid suicidal thoughts have always terrified me so I have never tried to end my life. Even at my worst I think I have always felt there was a useful role, a niche, waiting out there for me.
I cried cathartically as I wrote the last paragraph too. I was thinking, ‘What a blessing my fears about death have been’, when the strong emotions stirred inside. Cathartic reactions seem to differ from attention-seeking reactions and tears stirred by deep depression. They appear to be one-off phenomena and having lived your realisation those feelings don’t return. Only the pride of success remains.
I met Colin, a psychiatrist in the 1970s. He played a crucial role in my recovery. I showed him two bird watching spots, the Banyule Billabong and Swamp during a session. He encouraged me to propagate native plants and bought many. He joined the Warringal Conservation Society and leant me a copy of ‘On Aggression’ by Konrad Lorenz, a book that clarified aspects of animal behaviour. This enabled me to contrast it with that of humans. Thus he was treating me with ecopsychology and ecotherapy in the 1970s and ‘80s.
I met Michelle in 1976. She was caring and we married in 1977 despite my diagnosis of chronic schizophrenia. She was a nursing sister. Having her to care for filled a personal need too. In 1980 I worked at Maranoa Native Gardens and we built a home in Rowville.
In 1982 I was elected first President of the Knox Environment Society. I wrote stories in the Mount Easterley newspaper and published them in Knox Nature Trail and I published Melbourne Nat’rally in 1987. All these stories explore aspects of ecopsychology – human psychology connecting with nature.
In the mid-1980s I beat ocular gyric crisis for the first time. In a challenging situation I cajoled my psychology right from the onset of the bout thus eliminating the depressive component of it. And my eye symptoms did not develop too.
I asked my Colin what he thought of me. He replied, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Doug, you’re just a bit eccentric.” That statement still makes me laugh. I enjoy being different when my self-esteem is high.
Reluctantly, I weaned off medication. I felt I had a lot to lose. But my Colin thought I did not need it.
In 1987, the Eltham Copper Butterfly was rediscovered and appeared threatened. I played the role of EC- Spirit of the Butterfly and organised the Appeal launch at the Greensborough Shopping Centre.
1988 was bad for Michelle and me. We separated and as the divorce proceeded I read a book called, Why Did I Marry You? by marriage guidance counsellor Dr Warwick Hartin. It encouraged me to consider marriage and the emotions involved logically.
But in June 1990 I relapsed. I was admitted to the Melbourne Clinic and diagnosed with schizophrenia. Medication was reinstated and I recovered quickly.
I relapsed another five times. My bizarre behaviour involved stealing two cars and driving at 170 km. Sometimes I’d drive off into the bush, run out of petrol and wander lost all night. My parents declared me a missing person and I was rescued by police regularly. I never acted violently towards anyone including the police when ill and they never drew a gun on me, thank goodness. These escapades happened in Victoria, Tasmania and in South Australia in 1995, scene of my last hospitalisation.
My mind was flooded with thoughts. I was hypomanic and psychotic.
When Michael, my psychiatrist realised unrealistic romantic aspirations were a major part of this he changed my diagnosis to Bipolar Mood Disorder with mood congruent psychotic symptoms. Thus my illness comprises of a mood disorder which triggers a thought disorder during an episode. I still take medication for both symptoms and expect to forever.
In 1992 I began taxi driving. I found myself in many awkward situations. But I knew my passengers knew nothing of my background so I felt little concern about suffering a mental illness. However, in situations when people knew me and my background. I presumed most of them had stigmatised attitudes about mental illness and therefore had poor opinions of me. It is clear my assumption was wrong.
Maintaining healthy attitudes about mental illness is critical for sufferers and their carers. Human brain dysfunction is as natural as any other illness. About 20% of people will suffer a mental illness at one time in their life and it’s a blessing to be open-minded at critical times.
Taxi driving encouraged my creativity. I have written 60 taxi stories relating witty and dramatic conversations with customers and the second edition of my book, Sweet Dreams & Nightmares – Diary of a Nightshift Taxi Driver was published recently.
Dad and I retrieved our relationship in the 1990s. Sadly he died in 1999 shortly after the first edition of Sweet Dreams… was published. He only read one story from it. And he said, ‘I couldn’t do your job Doug’. That was the nicest thing he ever said to me considering he achieved managerial status and my dubious work record.
Following my December 1993 episode I tackled my challenge to discover my natural essence with verve. I began writing The Nature of Emotions, Consciousness & the Future. I argued most animals are controlled by ritualized behaviour and humanity is the only species that loves and hates.
What’s more we have to intersperse our natural feelings with logic. Understanding our gut emotions means we can discover our basic feelings and express them appropriately.
That document almost completed the philosophical search for my essential self however I did gain insight into the power of my never-ending creativeness in 2006.
And in 2005 I wrote Nature, Man & then the Gods where I contrasted Evolution with God concepts. My stance is humanity is a product of nature and all the gods are the concoctions of human minds.
But I still have moments of weakness. However, I can pick the change in my thought patterns now and increase my medication appropriately. I did that in May 2006. I questioned my behaviour closely too and my thoughts normalised within ten days. Applying these lessons is difficult. And I regularly feel vulnerable and anxious but that is natural too.
The thought of us humans causing the extinction of life on earth used to anger me. But now I’ve mellowed and think we are a natural phenomenom like any other so if extinction did happen it would be a natural event like any other and no big deal.
However I don’t think complete and utter extinction will happen anyway because I’m sure there are many microbes existing today that undergo constant mutation and evolution and are thus capable of instant adaptation to any disaster. Thus the evolution of life will proceed in new directions if mass extinction did happen.
I have great faith in the incredible array of life and evolution. That has inspired me to evolve into the person I am today.
And it is memories of birds like Jeemuluk, the Noisy Scrub-bird, in particular that stir me. An individual of that species, once thought to be extinct, called at his best for me at Cheyne Beach in Western Australia. He inspired me with his melodic yelling.
And I am able to be a live like the strong, mature Red River Gums along the Yarra.
Ecotherapy, the application of ecopsychology has proved a useful natural complementary therapy for me. But modern medication is the prime and most effective treatment for challenging brain disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Untreated mental illness often has devastating consequences as we know. And centuries ago my chances of living to my age of 58 were small.
Despite being stabilised on medication it has been hard maintaining a healthy psychological perspective even though I am proud of my achievements and in late February 2007 I discovered why. Seeking further insight I borrowed 10 Days to a Great Self-esteem by Dr David Burns from Arafemi’s library and reading it made it clear that my feelings of being worthwhile are too heavily-based on my achievements and the need to feel loved. This means I have a tendency to be a procrastinating perfectionist with a conditionally-based self-esteem.
Naturally my niche and influence in the universe is tiny and limited but I see part of it to involve writing openly like this to offer insight and help to others. Placing my life in this perspective is a powerful aid to me too.
Readers might like to view my original speech titled 'Insight and Foresight- Straight from my Swamp'. Go to my web site www.taxistories.com.au and look under 'From the Swamp'.